Unplugged

To quote one of my favorite Katy Perry songs "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?  Do you ever feel so paper thin, like a house of cards, one row from caving in...."  From her hit "Firework".  Sometimes that is how electronic media has made me feel.  I've been following an awesome blog about unplugging from distractions and being more family focused.  You can check it out at Hands Free Mama.   The author has some really awesome insights on how this busy, over scheduled, fast paced world is affecting our health, and our children's well being.

Image courtesy of Danilo Rizzuti at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My husband and I have been looking at ways to simplify the often overwhelming media distractions in our home and our lives.  Facebook seemed like the first place to start.  DH deactivated his account and we decided to share one.  Then he decided to remove himself from that because he just didn't like what some people  he knew were using facebook for.  He particularly had a problem with blatant attacks on posters for sharing opinions.  On Facebook there is a freedom of speech like we have never experienced in "in person" relationships.  A "I'm on my soap box and if you don't agree with my viewpoint, I'm gonna repeatedly throw it in your face" war amongst some.  What innocently started out as a place for people to connect became very toxic last year during the election, and unfortunately, some of that toxicity carried over well beyond the election.  We now find ourselves marked and judged by some because we don't share the same beliefs about politics or what is best for this country.  In a real life relationship, you change the subject and move on, but on Facebook, others join the debate on both sides and things can get hairy quick.  The argument will be brought up repeatedly.  Then you have to decide who stays and who goes if it gets toxic enough.  For us, it's when we can't post anything without having our beliefs thrown back at us, even a "non political" piece.  At that point, it matters not to us "how" we know the people, nobody has a "right" to access to us on facebook.  We are not alone, I have other friends who have lost connections with others on facebook due to differences in political affiliation or spiritual beliefs.  It's so sad to think a culture so rich and diverse as ours can't simply get along in the sand box. However, I don't take it personally, facebook is a networking tool only, not a popularity contest.  I have lots of friends and family that I'm not on facebook with and I find it is just a healthier place when I keep my friends list to around 100 people.  I regularly prune out inactive people or deactivated accounts to keep about this number.  A few weeks ago, I deleted 25 alone.  I cannot imagine how those with friends lists in the many hundreds or even 1,000 can stand what their news feed must look like on a daily basis!

Anyway, add in the messenger programs and mobile apps that accompany Facebook, and it can rule your life quickly if you let it.  I never jumped on the "check in" bandwagon....but some cannot use the restroom without posting that they just did so!  HA HA!  So, in an effort to place a boundary on how much time this social site takes from our day, we have deleted it from mobile phones and the ipad....so if we go on it, it's a deliberate act, not just something we did because the phone blinged! 

Next on the list was TV.  We had a combined problem of needing to cut costs, limit the kids screen time and what they were exposed to and wanting to limit our own TV watching.  We bit the bullet, cut the cord to the satellite TV, figuratively speaking, and invested in a couple of Roku units.  One for the living room and one for our daughters room.  We also have a gaming console capable of streaming, but it's a far simpler process through the Roku, so we primarily use that.  We got 3 sets of rabbit ears for our TVs, the cheapest ones turned out to be the best in terms of channel selection and quality of picture...it's amazing how many channels you can pick up for free.  Someday we may upgrade to a whole house antenna, but for now this is fantastic.  With the Roku we can pick up news from the major national networks a few hours after it airs, DH can even watch a stations newscast from his hometown in WA state.  The ones we thought would take it the hardest, the kids, have hardly noticed the sattelite box is gone!  They watch the shows they have always liked via the Roku  now on either netflix, hulu plus or amazon prime.  The combined monthly price of those subscriptions comes to $16, versus a sattelite bill of low 50's with tax, and we have a TON more available to us.  Our sattelite package was much more basic than what we can now stream.

The next thing to go is going to be the "smart phone" distraction.  For now I'm controlling mine by just not having the apps on my phone.  DH's phone is beginning to act up, and he has found a new carrier he intends to go with in the next week or so and downgrade to a good quality samsung flip phone and pay per minute service.  This is going to save us alot of money, even though we were getting a good deal already.  I have more of a need for a smart phone being in school than he does, in fact it will be required equipment for PA school, so for now I'm staying put.  However, if anything happens to mine, I will be switching because I prefer the idea that I can pay 10 cents per MB of data use only when I need to use it, 2 cents per text or 5 cents per voice minute, rather than paying a flat monthly rate for unlimited data I hardly use!

I can't say enough about how much "unplugging" is doing for our family and our life!  I encourage you to really take stock of how plugged in you are, versus how plugged in you need to be!  We sleep better, have more patience with eachother and have more energy, not to mention maximize what we can get done in a day!   Studying is far easier without blings of instant messages, and alerts and our kids don't have to worry about us being lost in la la land instead of present with them.  Give it a try!  What have you been doing to unplug lately?

Functionality and Autism

As the mother of a 9 year old with autism, diagnosed at the tender age of "just" 2 years old, most of my life as a parent has surrounded the special needs world.  Even having a neuro typical daughter of 6 doesn't do much to pry me from this world.  My son with his high needs takes up every ounce I have to give, my daughter, by no fault of her own, drains my energy to the negative numbers.  However, when they are getting along and "Buddy" learns something from "Sophie" I am ecstatic and overjoyed, and it's all worth it. 

One of the worst questions I've had to deal with, as the parent of a child with autism is probably asked of me in hopes of softening a blow.  However, I think it makes it worse.  That question, that I've been fending off for years is "Is he high functioning?" when people hear I have a son with autism.  It is usually asked with an expectant tone, one that expects I'll say "Yes".  How do you answer that?  High functioning to who?  What does "high functioning" actually mean?  Does it means a child dresses themselves and can follow some simple directions?  Does it mean he doesn't look all that different from his/her peers in a social setting?  Does it means he's intelligent or gets good grades?  What does it really mean?  Does it mean "he causes you little trouble" or "he'll be just fine in a few years...".  Probably second most loathed to this question is "Will he grow out of it?"  Autism is now being changed with the next DSM V edition later this year to be termed "Autism Spectrum Disorder".  I'm not sure how they plan to address levels of functioning within it, but one of the things that will not change is that Autism and Aspergers are still Autism, they are still impacting someone's life, an entire families life, in a way that will not be the "straight and narrow".  Our celebrations will be different, whether celebrating a 9 year old stooling on the toilet (still waiting here) or a 7 year old playing with a peer for a few minutes without a helicopter parent at his hip, or a 4 year old that didn't scream uncontrollably while her Mother went to the bathroom.   Our struggles will be different, yet the same, from one family to the next.  Each child will have his or her own unique behaviors and struggles, but the overall impact on the family is typically easily defined:  Exhausted parents, siblings who can display amazing tenderness and extreme frustration all in the same day, a family that "doesn't get out much" and nothing going according to the plans made by the grown ups any given day.  Parents often learn to live around a constant low level anxiety and nagging....that is what gives us autism Mom's "super hero hearing" and "x ray vision" and that innate sense that something is afoot when the house seems normal to an on looker at any moment.  We can plot and plan our childs next move, after years of observing their rituals.  We have child proofed our home in an ever evolving way to levels beginning to compete with a professional facility.  We have different goals and different things that we praise with our children.  However, at the end of the day, the "level of functioning" doesn't matter.  Whether my child is low or high on the autism spectrum doesn't matter, it is still going to mean that the life we parents envision at the outset is going to look very different, perhaps for a very long time.  Peers are taking their boys to little league and karate and etc...I am still praying for completion of potty training and the ability to go out in public without my child making a scene that has security threatening to call the police.  My son still prefers ABC type light up toys for toddlers and watches blues clues, Dora and The Backyardigans, while other kids are watching tween shows on the disney channel.  Childhood lasts quite a bit longer with autism.  However, it doesn't mean I love him any less, in fact I might even love him more, BECAUSE he is different.  He notices the world in a way neuro typicals never will.  He sees the smallest of detail, and remembers every place he's ever been, even if it was once and he was "too young" to remember. 

My answer to that question?  "No, on a spectrum scale he is pretty severe".  I'm usually pretty emotion-less and matter of fact about it.  If what someone fears when they ask is my answering "no", they have nothing to fear.  I am not going to sob and have a pity party.  He is still my son and always will be.  I am tired, but I am not taken down by this.  Parents of autistic children are some of the hardiest folks around.  We tolerate tantrums, melt downs and even aggression that make most people recoil in shock.  However, when that isn't the case, we are also the receivers of the biggest hugs and loved by the biggest fans.  We are cheer leaders, innovators, therapists and teachers...all learned "on the job".  I'm so thankful for my "job".  Dwelling on that feeling makes the bad days just a little better!